We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're too hungover to prance.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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