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Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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