I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize
