VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
