Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
