i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
