I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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