dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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