I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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