if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
