I can text with my tongue
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
