I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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