It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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