Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
