Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
