Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
