My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
