There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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