Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
