the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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