You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
