My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Four minutes until I can fart!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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