you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
