my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
