You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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