My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
