At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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