You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
