remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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