Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
