i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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