i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
