just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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