there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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