he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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