Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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