Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
