i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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