My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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