every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
