she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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