I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
