Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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