I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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