If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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