I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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