Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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