my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
