I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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