Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
