I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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